I'll admit, I've done some of the things on this list (but not all of them)- but I don't do it ALL THE TIME...with that being said:
Things that make me go (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ and rant on Facebook:
1. Posting an emo or worrisome status, and the when someone comments, "What's wrong?" You say, "I don't wanna talk about it!"
Then don't post anything if you don't wanna talk about it!!! People worry about the post because they care about you, and you just don't message them or anything about what is happening...What are you, eight?
2. Saying you can't find a girlfriend/boyfriend
Well, if you are picky as hell, or you're just doing it for someone else's sake, that's why you don't have one. "No fat chicks. Blondes only. Gotta be this tall to ride." Seriously? You're missing out because you're picky! You can't expect to pick up a sexy, 11-on-a-10-scale chick if you think like this! Because chances are, you're not gonna get someone that hot if you're that superficial. Or anyone- period.
3. "Like this if you love Jesus, or ignore this if you love Satan."
Guess I really like Satan. This is facebook. I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't go by how many likes his image gets to get into the Pearly Gates. "Oh, sorry Stan. You didn't like that facebook post. I"m sending to you Hell. Better luck next time, sucker!" Then Jesus duckfaces and takes a photo of himself with you before he kicks you out of Heaven. Maybe he'll be nice enough to tag you in his facebook photo.
4. The "I love family" photos- you know the one- with just a pink background, and words professing your love for your family and nothing else?
This is ok, but when EVERY POST is just nothing but this stuff, people are going to start thinking you like your family just a little too much, if you catch my drift. I'm pretty sure you like your family- if not, you would've killed them all by now. Probably gleefully, too. Either way, I don't wanna see your ass on an episode of Nancy Grace.
5. The "I have tiny lips so I'm gonna poke them slightly out and make the lines around my mouth wrinkle up so I look retarded"/ "I'm gonna put my butt on a sink so it looks bigger and take a photo of my dirty ass mirror" pics
Most of us have been guilty of this. I take mirror pics on occasion. I've duckfaced before. But seriously, less is more. Why not set a camera on a timer and take a photo? It looks better. Nobody wants to go to your house and remember that butt pic and be afraid of your booty germs on the sink. And if you have thin lips, for fuck's sake, don't slightly poke them out to make them appear fuller- because it doesn't work. It just makes them look flatter, and it wrinkles the skin around the mouth so everyone knows what you're doing- they may still compliment you on the photo, but I've heard what 90% of them have to say about it- "She'd be so pretty if she didn't do her mouth like that." I hear this all the time. It also makes the rest of your face sag. You look retarded. So either get some lip plumper, surgery, or just stop doing it. You aren't fooling anyone.
6. The different types of word and punctuation abuse.
When you say, "I helped my uncle jack off a horse", that's pretty gross. I hope you meant, "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse". Or when you TYPE LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROBABLY LAZY, or yhuuu talllkk likee diss cuzz nbdyy cn undrstndd yhuu- or you have run on sentences because its cool omg hey you guys like my page for cookies did you see beckys butt omg its so big----please, lay off of it. If you went to school, and if you're actually educated, please show a bit of dignity. You know who writes like that? Nobody. Kindergarteners will actually try to correct you. I've seen them do it. It's not cool. It just makes you look really, really dumb- and people will treat you like it, too.
7. Complaining about your job.
If you don't like it, get another one! If not, suck it up, buttercup! Most people in the workforce today don't like their jobs, but you know what? They have to have one to survive. Instead of sitting on your butt, go make some money and be productive! It may be minimum wage. It may be at a pizza place. But dammit, you have a job! Be proud of it! So what if there are people who make more than you? At least you're not sitting around on your ass all day, waiting on a check and refusing to work! So you're doing good!
8. The "foodie" and "OMG I'M SO FAT" pics
I understand if you have a culinary skill or knows someone who thinks they do. But when 90% of the photos are of food with the captions, "Look what my man cooked me!" or "Gonna eat good tonight!" and then you turn RIGHT AROUND and then cry because you're not the weight you want to be- are you fucking kidding me?? You're fat because you are constantly taking photos of your greasy ass food and then eating it and the plate right along with it. You have NO REASON to bitch if you're just gonna constantly eat shitty food and then post it on facebook. And another thing- why the hell would you post a pic and caption it, "OMG! I look so fat"- if you don't think you look good, don't fucking post the photo! You're just fishing for compliments. If I see another photo like this, I'm not gonna follow up with "Oh, no, you're gorgeous!" like the others because let's face it- I'm not nice. I'm gonna crush your very soul. "OMG, you are so fat! How many chins is that? I've lost count! You should starve yourself for about a month!" And when you die of starvation, we'll be better off.
9. The "jealous significant other" argument
You've seen it before. We all have. A chick likes a guy's status, and the girlfriend of that guy jumps down the chick's throat because:
1. That chick is probably hotter than the girlfriend is, or at least the girlfriend thinks so
2. The girlfriend has no life nor self-esteem
3. The boyfriend constantly cheats on her and she's too dumb to break up with him
4. ????
So then an argument ensues- and these two have never met in person. They just know each other by the one guy. It really makes the girlfriend out to be a cunt and a really insecure, dumb person. Then, if the chick friend comments back, she's on the losing side as well because she's trying to "mess up the relationship"----the best thing you can do is block whoever started the argument first. Look, if you're that insecure about a relationship, you shouldn't be in one.
10. The "Taylor Swift" Syndrome
You know someone like this. We all do. First, they get into a relationship with someone. Four days later, they break up. Emo posts are had. Bad poetry is written. Shitty pictures with sad things written on them pop up. Then the whole, "But I LOVED him!" comments showed up. But don't worry, in about a week, they'll be at it again with someone new- or the same person. And then they'll break up again. Rinse and repeat. Ah, the life of the serial dater. Don't worry menfolk, you're guilty of it too.
Things that make me go (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ and rant on Facebook:
1. Posting an emo or worrisome status, and the when someone comments, "What's wrong?" You say, "I don't wanna talk about it!"
Then don't post anything if you don't wanna talk about it!!! People worry about the post because they care about you, and you just don't message them or anything about what is happening...What are you, eight?
2. Saying you can't find a girlfriend/boyfriend
Well, if you are picky as hell, or you're just doing it for someone else's sake, that's why you don't have one. "No fat chicks. Blondes only. Gotta be this tall to ride." Seriously? You're missing out because you're picky! You can't expect to pick up a sexy, 11-on-a-10-scale chick if you think like this! Because chances are, you're not gonna get someone that hot if you're that superficial. Or anyone- period.
3. "Like this if you love Jesus, or ignore this if you love Satan."
Guess I really like Satan. This is facebook. I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't go by how many likes his image gets to get into the Pearly Gates. "Oh, sorry Stan. You didn't like that facebook post. I"m sending to you Hell. Better luck next time, sucker!" Then Jesus duckfaces and takes a photo of himself with you before he kicks you out of Heaven. Maybe he'll be nice enough to tag you in his facebook photo.
4. The "I love family" photos- you know the one- with just a pink background, and words professing your love for your family and nothing else?
This is ok, but when EVERY POST is just nothing but this stuff, people are going to start thinking you like your family just a little too much, if you catch my drift. I'm pretty sure you like your family- if not, you would've killed them all by now. Probably gleefully, too. Either way, I don't wanna see your ass on an episode of Nancy Grace.
5. The "I have tiny lips so I'm gonna poke them slightly out and make the lines around my mouth wrinkle up so I look retarded"/ "I'm gonna put my butt on a sink so it looks bigger and take a photo of my dirty ass mirror" pics
Most of us have been guilty of this. I take mirror pics on occasion. I've duckfaced before. But seriously, less is more. Why not set a camera on a timer and take a photo? It looks better. Nobody wants to go to your house and remember that butt pic and be afraid of your booty germs on the sink. And if you have thin lips, for fuck's sake, don't slightly poke them out to make them appear fuller- because it doesn't work. It just makes them look flatter, and it wrinkles the skin around the mouth so everyone knows what you're doing- they may still compliment you on the photo, but I've heard what 90% of them have to say about it- "She'd be so pretty if she didn't do her mouth like that." I hear this all the time. It also makes the rest of your face sag. You look retarded. So either get some lip plumper, surgery, or just stop doing it. You aren't fooling anyone.
6. The different types of word and punctuation abuse.
When you say, "I helped my uncle jack off a horse", that's pretty gross. I hope you meant, "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse". Or when you TYPE LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROBABLY LAZY, or yhuuu talllkk likee diss cuzz nbdyy cn undrstndd yhuu- or you have run on sentences because its cool omg hey you guys like my page for cookies did you see beckys butt omg its so big----please, lay off of it. If you went to school, and if you're actually educated, please show a bit of dignity. You know who writes like that? Nobody. Kindergarteners will actually try to correct you. I've seen them do it. It's not cool. It just makes you look really, really dumb- and people will treat you like it, too.
7. Complaining about your job.
If you don't like it, get another one! If not, suck it up, buttercup! Most people in the workforce today don't like their jobs, but you know what? They have to have one to survive. Instead of sitting on your butt, go make some money and be productive! It may be minimum wage. It may be at a pizza place. But dammit, you have a job! Be proud of it! So what if there are people who make more than you? At least you're not sitting around on your ass all day, waiting on a check and refusing to work! So you're doing good!
8. The "foodie" and "OMG I'M SO FAT" pics
I understand if you have a culinary skill or knows someone who thinks they do. But when 90% of the photos are of food with the captions, "Look what my man cooked me!" or "Gonna eat good tonight!" and then you turn RIGHT AROUND and then cry because you're not the weight you want to be- are you fucking kidding me?? You're fat because you are constantly taking photos of your greasy ass food and then eating it and the plate right along with it. You have NO REASON to bitch if you're just gonna constantly eat shitty food and then post it on facebook. And another thing- why the hell would you post a pic and caption it, "OMG! I look so fat"- if you don't think you look good, don't fucking post the photo! You're just fishing for compliments. If I see another photo like this, I'm not gonna follow up with "Oh, no, you're gorgeous!" like the others because let's face it- I'm not nice. I'm gonna crush your very soul. "OMG, you are so fat! How many chins is that? I've lost count! You should starve yourself for about a month!" And when you die of starvation, we'll be better off.
9. The "jealous significant other" argument
You've seen it before. We all have. A chick likes a guy's status, and the girlfriend of that guy jumps down the chick's throat because:
1. That chick is probably hotter than the girlfriend is, or at least the girlfriend thinks so
2. The girlfriend has no life nor self-esteem
3. The boyfriend constantly cheats on her and she's too dumb to break up with him
4. ????
So then an argument ensues- and these two have never met in person. They just know each other by the one guy. It really makes the girlfriend out to be a cunt and a really insecure, dumb person. Then, if the chick friend comments back, she's on the losing side as well because she's trying to "mess up the relationship"----the best thing you can do is block whoever started the argument first. Look, if you're that insecure about a relationship, you shouldn't be in one.
10. The "Taylor Swift" Syndrome
You know someone like this. We all do. First, they get into a relationship with someone. Four days later, they break up. Emo posts are had. Bad poetry is written. Shitty pictures with sad things written on them pop up. Then the whole, "But I LOVED him!" comments showed up. But don't worry, in about a week, they'll be at it again with someone new- or the same person. And then they'll break up again. Rinse and repeat. Ah, the life of the serial dater. Don't worry menfolk, you're guilty of it too.
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