Hulkzilla Awakens!

This will piss some of you off. I suggest you sit on a toilet while reading this and flush that shit down. Or fucking eat it, I don't care. Go boo-hoo somewhere else, because the Pika Therapy Clinic blew up.

Anyways....

I was told some bothersome news today about certain someone(s) in my wedding party/ people thereof. For those of you know know me personally, I'm sure that I do not come off as a bridezilla at all, or a bossy person.

However, if I may morph into Incredible Hulk for a moment while wearing a wedding dress:

Ok, there. Now that I'm in Hulkzilla mode.....

What was said:
Basically, my demands are too much.
As in, I want too much for this wedding- meetings, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, etc.
She, the person(s) in question, says that she has kids, and that she can't afford to run all over Hattiesburg to do my errands for me.
She has a job, kids, and has other things to do as well.
And she can't spend a lot of money that she doesn't have.
Understandable.


What I say:
It's MY fucking wedding. MINE. Suck it up, bitch tits. When you have a wedding for yourself, you can call the shots then. When one has a real wedding, you have what's called a bridal shower and a bachelorette party before the wedding. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAN A FUCKING WEDDING- AND DO IT RIGHT.

I don't ask much. I think I've been fair throughout this whole process. Black knee-length dress? Check. Red shoes? Check. Come as gorgeous as you can get? Alrighty! But...correct me, by gods fucking dammit, if I'm wrong.

Everything's already paid for. The duties in question was to call everyone up and to make sure that they knew what was going on, and to make sure they had their shit together. Also, the job was to call around and get rooms/rates/ideas about having a bridal shower and the bachelorette party. NOT to travel to Hattiesburg, and NOT to spend money.
All they had to do was pick up a phone, call around, and then tell me what they planned so I could give them money for it. That's it. That's fucking it.

That means:
~ NO running around Hattiesburg. (Why the fuck are you running around Hattiesburg? The wedding is in another state...dipshit motherfucker)
~ NO spending money.
~ Pick up the phone and call a ninja or two.

But NOOOOOOOOO, nobody wants to actually fucking tell me these things, so I'm 2 months before my wedding and have to appoint others to do the jobs assigned...which, by the way, they had no problem doing.  They did it with ease. Some of my bridesmaids have kids. They all have jobs. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. If you can't juggle your home life, your job, and your kids with other responsibilities, you're doing it way wrong. Can you function? Because that's how you function.

I can't stand the cowardice. Yes, I've been patient with too many for too long and just let shit slide by. Like, a lot of shit....but you know what? I'm tired of being put last. I'm tired of going to the breaking point just to get my point across. FUCK THAT SHIT. From now on, you fuck up, I don't give a fuck who you are---you could be that sexy stripper dude with a Hershey bar for a dick---I'm calling you out on your bullshit. I'd rather be a bitch than a doormat.

If you think you can't fucking afford to come to my wedding and you're part of the wedding party, SAY SO IN ADVANCE. Don't wait till I have to chase you down to tell me something. If you know you're struggling financially, TELL ME. Otherwise, I will think everything is hunky-dory.
If a motherfucker knows they haven't been able to afford my wedding for months, and won't tell me until I finally contact them-and my wedding date is now in the double digits- that's some fucked up shit. Here I am, scrambling to make sure everyone has a room, gifts, etc, and you waste my time and yours? Seriously? I got shit I can't return because it was personalized.

You thought you were just gonna have a title and do none of the work? How about you tell me and we discuss it like adults? "I've never done this before!" Well, bitch, neither have I!!!
Don't like an idea? Tell me. Can't afford a dress? Tell me. Need a ride? Tell me.
I wasn't going to get mad if you couldn't/wouldn't do it, but it's ridiculous for me to sit here and wait for you to answer the fucking phone (which you never do) so we can actually discuss things. Instead of talking it out like adults, you wanna just ignore me and hopes it blows over. How about you actually tell me what's on your fucking mind, so we can actually get over it?
You never answer the phone...you only want to talk when you're bored or single.

Know what I call that? The Small Town Mentality.

(Pika's dictionary: Small Town Mentality: Where a person or people stay in one town, or a few small towns and don't "branch out"- so they have only a small-minded viewpoint instead of seeing other viewpoints and opinions. They don't gain a "worldly" sense of things and thus have a immature mentality and emotions. Think: "Small minds discuss people.")

You think I'm white trash and wanna talk bullshit? I don't give a fuck. It's hard to talk all that smack when you look so fucking plain, over there looking like a crispy piece of white ass Great Value bread. You're not even wheat, motherfucker. I should smack the crumbs off you. I can kick a field goal through the gaps in your teeth. Your face is so plain that they use a picture of you for the default image on facebook before you upload your very first profile picture. The only way you're gonna turn the other cheek is if I punch it in that direction. Oh, and if you wanna get technical, your attitude is why you are always asking "where are all the good men at?" (But that's none of my business!)

Yeah, you wanna talk noise about my car, that still runs great, but you're over there behind on your car payments....but that's none of my business.

It makes no fucking sense to just not tell me things. Fucking tell me!!! If you tell me in advance, I will understand, and no butthurt will ensue. BUT...when you DON'T tell me and I have to find out from other people....

See, when you don't tell me things and I have to have my hand forced, I go off and rant, like this:

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO OPEN THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS AND SPEAK THE FUCK UP!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! STOP WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME. Because you know who's time you're wasting? Not only mine, but everyone else who is in the fucking wedding. And your own time, which is apparently not so important.



Let's keep going, shall we? I'm on a roll. Q & A TIME!

"But why are you wearing kilts?"
BECAUSE WE FUCKING WANT TO. DON'T LIKE IT? WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU LIKE. SUCK A BAG OF BABY DICKS. MMMM-MMMM!  HOW DOES IT TASTE, MOTHERFUCKA! OH, IT TASTES LIKE A BIG OL BAG OF BABY DICKS!
I mean, hell...we can always take them off...........in front of you.

"Why in Louisiana?"
BECAUSE JESUS SAID IF I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING WEDDING IN LOUISIANA ON HALLOWEEN, HE WAS GONNA COME DOWN AND BITCH SMACK SOME PENTECOSTALS. I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE THE FUCKING PENTECOSTALS FROM BEING BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME SIX ARMED GOD AND JESUS. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BITCH SLAPPED BY A SIX ARMED GOD? AND JESUS??!

"Why are you in a red wedding dress?"
So that it won't look so bad when I bathe in the blood of my wedding guests. It's tradition.

"Why not have it in Hattiesburg?"
So your broke ass can't come.

"I can't bring my precious spawn! You're mean!"
There will be drinking at my wedding. I do NOT like kids around alcohol. It bothers me, especially since kids can get hurt around stumbling drunk people. I don't like seeing kids get hurt. I grew up around a lot of drinking- and it's bad. I'm not putting someone else's kid through that. Do it on your own time. Be a good parent and leave the kiddos at home, hm? And with knowing me, there may be some instances to where you DON'T want your kid to see what's going on.

Sure, I'd love to see your kid, but this is a wedding. You know why a lot of people are against bringing their kid to a wedding? It's a distraction. They are loud, they run around and get into things, and they can ruin a special moment with their crying and demands. My wedding is NOT the time. Go find a babysitter, or don't come. There will be cops at my wedding- bring your kid if you want to, you aren't gonna be able to step foot into the venue. It'd be a shame for you to come all that way just to have to turn around...


"Your wedding is going to look horrible."
I wouldn't be talking if I were you, over there looking about as dopey as a kumquat. Every time you go in to get a prostate check, the doc accidentally sticks his fingers in your mouth.


"Der's gon' be nigras and fah-gits at yer weddin'! OHBAMMUUR! DEY GURT OUR JERBS!!!"
Then don't come. Your bigotry won't be missed. Just shut the fuck up, Yankee Doodle.
I bet your living room is decked out in Duck Dynasty gear...you don't like dudes, but you got those dude's faces splattered all over your wall like a 13 year old with his first Playboy poster.




I think I'm done. Rant over.
Oh, and make sure you wipe the bullshit off that butthurt of yours and flush it.

I walked into an It's Fashion and noticed how much things have changed.

A while ago, I had to get some things printed up at my local UPS Store (the one I used to work at), and I decided to wander around the strip mall while my things were being printed, since it was going to be a 30 minute wait. It turned into a walk down memory lane.

To create the setting, this strip mall had a GameStop, the UPS Store, Sally's Beauty, It's Fashion, a tax service place, Radio Shack, and a Dollar Tree....in that order. I had already seen everything in GameStop, successfully warded off tempting hair dye at Sally's, and that's when I saw It's Fashion. I hadn't been in an It's Fashion in years. In fact, it has been 10 whole years since I've stepped foot in one, or one like it...I haven't even been inside of a Kato's in that length of time. I barely know what the inside of a Dollar General looks like (did you know they have MILK and EGGS IN THERE NOW?!)

It's Fashion was hot shit when I was 19 and living in Canton. A strip mall was built, and it had a grocery store, a video store (back when they still existed- it was a Movie Gallery), a Sally's, clothes stores, shoe stores, a dollar store, a laundromat......it was awesome. It's Fashion had beautiful clothes that I wanted desperately to wear. Problem was, I was poor. I didn't have any money. There were so many things in that place that I wanted to buy and knew I'd look great in. They even had cool shoes. I'd sp

They had plus sized clothes that were so pretty and made any skinny girl wish she had the body to wear everything they offered. My best friend, Andria, frequented the store, and she was quite the fashionista. She even accessorized, and did it very well. Her ears didn't get infected from the metal in the earrings, and she always managed to get the best stuff. Me...well, I wore men's clothes. I loved their men's section, but it was far and few between. When I found something I wanted in the women's section, they only had it in plus size or it was too expensive.

Fast forward 10 years later, and I'm standing outside of an It's Fashion out of boredom, looking at the "SALE!" posters splattered all over the windows. I figure, "Why the hell not?" and walk in. There are cheap clothes everywhere. They look fragile, like the blouses will rip if you get a necklace hung in it. The pants were thin. I'm not sure if the quality just got worse over the years, but the It's Fashion that I remember wasn't like this at all! I take a look at the price tag. $15.00 for a cute shirt. Not bad at all. I can afford that. In fact, I could afford everything in the store- that thought alone surprised me- but it had been 10 years, after all.

I suddenly had a monologue with my previous me and myself:

19 year old me: Oh man, this shirt is $10! I've only got $20! Isn't there anything cheaper?
Me, now: $10 is a good deal, but there's way too many flowers on this shirt...is it...see-thru!? Is this orange or pink???

19 year old me: Look at that cute dress! $20! But I don't wear dresses, and $20 is way too much.
Me, now: I'd rock that. Let me try it on. Fits, but my boobs are too big. And a size bigger is too big on me.

19 year old me: Aw, crap! None of the shoes fit me!
Me, now: Aw, crap. None of the shoes fit me.

19  year old me: I wish I could buy everything on this whole rack. Maybe I'd look nice.
Me, now: I can buy everything on this whole rack. But then I'd have ugly clothes.

19 year old me: I wish I had cute panties. But it's not like I have anyone to wear those for. I will never have anyone like that.
Me, now: I get panties from Victoria's Secret. Jason is going to roll his eyes if I get any more panties.

19 year old me: Eww, purse.
Me, now: I like that color. But it looks like cardboard....and has no zippers or straps???

Looking back, I realized just how poor I was. I remember buying a cute Japanese school girl uniform (I still have it!), and some jeans, and treated them like they would break if I dropped them, because they were some of the only good clothes I had. I hardly wore it, because I didn't want it to get damaged. The whole outfit cost me $40, and that was so much money to me. Actually, it's still a lot of money, because I'm frugal, but I will actually buy things after the bills are paid now.

I also realized that not only could I afford the coveted clothes of my younger years from this store now, but the quality was poor, and I didn't like much in the store. The watches looked horrible. The makeup was something I wouldn't touch, and the accessories looked gaudy. I liked a blue purse, but wouldn't buy it because it looked like it would fall apart if it got wet. I couldn't find any shoes in my size, so that was out. My, how my tastes have changed. I DID manage to find a cute black and white sun hat for when I go to the beach, and a T-shirt dress (which I absolutely love). I spent $10 for both items and walked out a happy girl.

It's a small thing, yes, I know, but just walking into that store made me realize how much I had changed in some aspects- the once coveted clothing that I so wanted in my youth now looks crappy and cheap, but it's pretty affordable...when you can find something you actually like. I think the quality has gone down a lot, too, because the jeans that I got from that place is still holding up quite nicely.

MIA MOH

I keep having a recurring dream that I'm going to go straight into the day of my wedding unprepared- someone doesn't have the unity sand, I don't have all my accessories that I need, I'm missing something, or I'm running late.

I still have a lot to do. I need to buckle down and make the flowers for my bridesmaids. I need to confirm the cake with the decorator. I need to send in the music list....gods, I have a lot to do. Of course, what do I do nowadays when I'm stressed out? I go to the gym. I run. I'm not really running from my problems, but it just feels good. Hell, I own more workout clothes than I do normal clothes now. Instead of hitting the gym, I should be doing more for my wedding...but I also want to make sure I stay in the size I am now because my wedding dress is a tiny size 6, and it fits perfectly.

My maid of honor is MIA. She didn't put forth any effort to actually plan my bachelorette party or my bridal shower, which is what a MOH is supposed to do. Eventually, she never responded to any of my texts, KIK messages, or calls, and eventually I gave her a deadline of calling me by lunch on an appointed date. She never made the call. I hated to do it, but I had to move on with my plans. I'm sure she had her reasons, or that she was too busy...but if she wasn't able to do it, why didn't she just say so?

:( It sucks so bad, because I want her to enjoy the festivities and the planning as well. I wanted her to experience New Orleans. I wanted her to enjoy her time at a castle. I wanted her to feel appreciated as a MOH. But alas, it was not to be. Shortly after the deadline passed, I acquired a new phone, which meant that I no longer have her number. I think about her, especially when I know I'm in a place that I know for sure she'd absolutely love. I'm sure she isn't thinking about me.

Death Took A Swing At The Cake Decorator

My cake decorator is dead.

I remember meeting her, and given her age, I remember thinking, "Oh, please don't die on me."
Death took her out like a snowball in a microwave.

I was scrambling around for a while to find a cake decorator. Luckily, the castle where we're getting married at found a replacement (the cake decorator is included in the cost). It seemed like it was in the nick of time!

The old lady that was my cake decorator recommended that we not dye our cake red because it would stain our teeth and tasted bad. Instead, she said, we should use red fondant. We went with that idea. The new decorator told me that she thought the white buttercream would be better, because if I dropped cake on my white (LOL) dress, it would ruin it.

I'm not quite sure what to do- I want my cake to taste amazing, but I also want it to look cool, and white isn't really my style. I've narrowed it down to three options:
1. "Death till us part"- complete with my skeleton couple cake topper.
2. Red and black- with the same cake topper.
3. White with some red accents- with my cake topper.

I'm not sure yet, but I need to get this ball rolling. They are going to start my cake planning at the castle in September. 

5 Untold Rules of Gym Etiquette

Lately I've been a gym rat, and rightfully so. I was once a size 13, at 165 lbs- all on a five foot frame. I'm now 123 lbs, and a size 7. That being said, I've learned a few untold rules of working out at the gym. If you've spent any amount of time in a gym, you know what I'm talking about. You probably won't find these untold rules on the list of "things not to do while you're at the gym". It's like it happens almost instinctively- you just know that these are the rules.


#1. Don't make eye contact with anyone on the hip adduction/ abduction machine.
Nothing says creepy like looking at someone while they're in a position reminiscent of a pap smear.

#2. Headphones denote social interaction. 
Do they have not headphones on? Feel free to talk to them.
Do they have earbuds in? It says, "I'm listening to music, but will talk if absolutely needed."
Are they wearing huge headphones? "Fuck off. Don't talk to me." Especially if they are brightly colored headphones.

#3. Don't sabotage the equipment.
Nothing is more irksome than someone doing a set and deciding that they want to hog it. Do your set, rest, do some more sets, and then give up the machine! Don't just sit there and text- do your set and get off! If there's someone waiting, partner up. They do a set, then you, and alternate.

#4. Stop showing off.
Nobody cares what you bench press. If you aren't grunting, don't start doing it if someone comes near you. Your sole purpose of going to the gym is to better yourself, not show off. The more you show off, the slower your results will be. I'm also looking at you, ladies. If you wanna wear makeup to the gym, just remember that it's not doing your skin any good.

#5. Keep out of the bubble.
This is not only for social comfort, but also for safety. If you don't want to be hit by someone's arm while they're doing the pec deck machine, keep your proximity to other people and machines to a good distance. If you can reach out and touch them, you're too close. People don't like others very close to them when they're trying to work out, much less anything else. Just...don't do it.