I decided to clean out the 'Scort today. I get out my handy ghetto vacuum (you know the one- it looks like a roll of duct tape) when I get approached. And you know me- I hate everyone equally.
Random black dude: Heeeyy. HEY! HEYY!
Me: .....What?
RBD: Lemme use your phone.
Me: No.
RBD: It'll only take a minute. I gotta tell my ole lady I'm coming home.
Me: No.
RBD: It'll only be a minute!
Me: No.
RBD: Please?
Me: No.
*He sits there for a minute*
RBD: You cleaning out your car?
Me: I hid a body in here and I'm trying to get the bloodstains out. I offered to let him use my phone and he fell for it. Never knew what hit him.
*Random black dude freaks out and runs off.*
*Five minutes later, enter random white crackwhore*
Random white crackwhore: Hey, you got any money? My car broke down at the pump of the Jr.
Me: I don't see a car broken down at the pumps. I can see it from here, you know.
RWC: I moved it. I need money for gas. I thought I had some but I don't! *starts crying*
Me: Sorry, but no. I'm not feeling very charitable today.
RWC: But how am I gonna get this food to my babies?
Me: ...walk?
RWC: You're a horrible person!
Me: I hope so.
*she leaves, walks down the street, and gets into an Escalade with two other guys. Figures.*
*10 minutes later.....enter in: random white guy!*
Random white guy: Hey! Man! Can you give me a ride to the store?
Me: There's a store right by us.
RWG: Not that one! I wanna go to the Handy Pantry down the street!
Me: Ok, look. You have a 10 second headstart before I start murdering your white skinny ass. If one more of you motherfuckers steps foot in my yard, I'm gonna Castle Law your ass.
RWG: Castle Law?
Me: I feel threatened and you're on my property. I will shoot you in the fucking head. Or maybe I'll chop you into 50 pieces and mail a piece to every state. Or I'll get your ID and mail your head to your mom. I don't know yet. I'm feeling creative today.
*RWG leaves in a hurry*
From now on, I'm pulling the Escort around back to clean it up.
Random black dude: Heeeyy. HEY! HEYY!
Me: .....What?
RBD: Lemme use your phone.
Me: No.
RBD: It'll only take a minute. I gotta tell my ole lady I'm coming home.
Me: No.
RBD: It'll only be a minute!
Me: No.
RBD: Please?
Me: No.
*He sits there for a minute*
RBD: You cleaning out your car?
Me: I hid a body in here and I'm trying to get the bloodstains out. I offered to let him use my phone and he fell for it. Never knew what hit him.
*Random black dude freaks out and runs off.*
*Five minutes later, enter random white crackwhore*
Random white crackwhore: Hey, you got any money? My car broke down at the pump of the Jr.
Me: I don't see a car broken down at the pumps. I can see it from here, you know.
RWC: I moved it. I need money for gas. I thought I had some but I don't! *starts crying*
Me: Sorry, but no. I'm not feeling very charitable today.
RWC: But how am I gonna get this food to my babies?
Me: ...walk?
RWC: You're a horrible person!
Me: I hope so.
*she leaves, walks down the street, and gets into an Escalade with two other guys. Figures.*
*10 minutes later.....enter in: random white guy!*
Random white guy: Hey! Man! Can you give me a ride to the store?
Me: There's a store right by us.
RWG: Not that one! I wanna go to the Handy Pantry down the street!
Me: Ok, look. You have a 10 second headstart before I start murdering your white skinny ass. If one more of you motherfuckers steps foot in my yard, I'm gonna Castle Law your ass.
RWG: Castle Law?
Me: I feel threatened and you're on my property. I will shoot you in the fucking head. Or maybe I'll chop you into 50 pieces and mail a piece to every state. Or I'll get your ID and mail your head to your mom. I don't know yet. I'm feeling creative today.
*RWG leaves in a hurry*
From now on, I'm pulling the Escort around back to clean it up.
No comments:
Post a Comment