Hulkzilla Awakens!

This will piss some of you off. I suggest you sit on a toilet while reading this and flush that shit down. Or fucking eat it, I don't care. Go boo-hoo somewhere else, because the Pika Therapy Clinic blew up.

Anyways....

I was told some bothersome news today about certain someone(s) in my wedding party/ people thereof. For those of you know know me personally, I'm sure that I do not come off as a bridezilla at all, or a bossy person.

However, if I may morph into Incredible Hulk for a moment while wearing a wedding dress:

Ok, there. Now that I'm in Hulkzilla mode.....

What was said:
Basically, my demands are too much.
As in, I want too much for this wedding- meetings, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, etc.
She, the person(s) in question, says that she has kids, and that she can't afford to run all over Hattiesburg to do my errands for me.
She has a job, kids, and has other things to do as well.
And she can't spend a lot of money that she doesn't have.
Understandable.


What I say:
It's MY fucking wedding. MINE. Suck it up, bitch tits. When you have a wedding for yourself, you can call the shots then. When one has a real wedding, you have what's called a bridal shower and a bachelorette party before the wedding. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAN A FUCKING WEDDING- AND DO IT RIGHT.

I don't ask much. I think I've been fair throughout this whole process. Black knee-length dress? Check. Red shoes? Check. Come as gorgeous as you can get? Alrighty! But...correct me, by gods fucking dammit, if I'm wrong.

Everything's already paid for. The duties in question was to call everyone up and to make sure that they knew what was going on, and to make sure they had their shit together. Also, the job was to call around and get rooms/rates/ideas about having a bridal shower and the bachelorette party. NOT to travel to Hattiesburg, and NOT to spend money.
All they had to do was pick up a phone, call around, and then tell me what they planned so I could give them money for it. That's it. That's fucking it.

That means:
~ NO running around Hattiesburg. (Why the fuck are you running around Hattiesburg? The wedding is in another state...dipshit motherfucker)
~ NO spending money.
~ Pick up the phone and call a ninja or two.

But NOOOOOOOOO, nobody wants to actually fucking tell me these things, so I'm 2 months before my wedding and have to appoint others to do the jobs assigned...which, by the way, they had no problem doing.  They did it with ease. Some of my bridesmaids have kids. They all have jobs. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. If you can't juggle your home life, your job, and your kids with other responsibilities, you're doing it way wrong. Can you function? Because that's how you function.

I can't stand the cowardice. Yes, I've been patient with too many for too long and just let shit slide by. Like, a lot of shit....but you know what? I'm tired of being put last. I'm tired of going to the breaking point just to get my point across. FUCK THAT SHIT. From now on, you fuck up, I don't give a fuck who you are---you could be that sexy stripper dude with a Hershey bar for a dick---I'm calling you out on your bullshit. I'd rather be a bitch than a doormat.

If you think you can't fucking afford to come to my wedding and you're part of the wedding party, SAY SO IN ADVANCE. Don't wait till I have to chase you down to tell me something. If you know you're struggling financially, TELL ME. Otherwise, I will think everything is hunky-dory.
If a motherfucker knows they haven't been able to afford my wedding for months, and won't tell me until I finally contact them-and my wedding date is now in the double digits- that's some fucked up shit. Here I am, scrambling to make sure everyone has a room, gifts, etc, and you waste my time and yours? Seriously? I got shit I can't return because it was personalized.

You thought you were just gonna have a title and do none of the work? How about you tell me and we discuss it like adults? "I've never done this before!" Well, bitch, neither have I!!!
Don't like an idea? Tell me. Can't afford a dress? Tell me. Need a ride? Tell me.
I wasn't going to get mad if you couldn't/wouldn't do it, but it's ridiculous for me to sit here and wait for you to answer the fucking phone (which you never do) so we can actually discuss things. Instead of talking it out like adults, you wanna just ignore me and hopes it blows over. How about you actually tell me what's on your fucking mind, so we can actually get over it?
You never answer the phone...you only want to talk when you're bored or single.

Know what I call that? The Small Town Mentality.

(Pika's dictionary: Small Town Mentality: Where a person or people stay in one town, or a few small towns and don't "branch out"- so they have only a small-minded viewpoint instead of seeing other viewpoints and opinions. They don't gain a "worldly" sense of things and thus have a immature mentality and emotions. Think: "Small minds discuss people.")

You think I'm white trash and wanna talk bullshit? I don't give a fuck. It's hard to talk all that smack when you look so fucking plain, over there looking like a crispy piece of white ass Great Value bread. You're not even wheat, motherfucker. I should smack the crumbs off you. I can kick a field goal through the gaps in your teeth. Your face is so plain that they use a picture of you for the default image on facebook before you upload your very first profile picture. The only way you're gonna turn the other cheek is if I punch it in that direction. Oh, and if you wanna get technical, your attitude is why you are always asking "where are all the good men at?" (But that's none of my business!)

Yeah, you wanna talk noise about my car, that still runs great, but you're over there behind on your car payments....but that's none of my business.

It makes no fucking sense to just not tell me things. Fucking tell me!!! If you tell me in advance, I will understand, and no butthurt will ensue. BUT...when you DON'T tell me and I have to find out from other people....

See, when you don't tell me things and I have to have my hand forced, I go off and rant, like this:

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IS IT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO OPEN THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS AND SPEAK THE FUCK UP!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! STOP WASTING EVERYONE'S TIME. Because you know who's time you're wasting? Not only mine, but everyone else who is in the fucking wedding. And your own time, which is apparently not so important.



Let's keep going, shall we? I'm on a roll. Q & A TIME!

"But why are you wearing kilts?"
BECAUSE WE FUCKING WANT TO. DON'T LIKE IT? WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU LIKE. SUCK A BAG OF BABY DICKS. MMMM-MMMM!  HOW DOES IT TASTE, MOTHERFUCKA! OH, IT TASTES LIKE A BIG OL BAG OF BABY DICKS!
I mean, hell...we can always take them off...........in front of you.

"Why in Louisiana?"
BECAUSE JESUS SAID IF I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING WEDDING IN LOUISIANA ON HALLOWEEN, HE WAS GONNA COME DOWN AND BITCH SMACK SOME PENTECOSTALS. I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE THE FUCKING PENTECOSTALS FROM BEING BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME SIX ARMED GOD AND JESUS. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BITCH SLAPPED BY A SIX ARMED GOD? AND JESUS??!

"Why are you in a red wedding dress?"
So that it won't look so bad when I bathe in the blood of my wedding guests. It's tradition.

"Why not have it in Hattiesburg?"
So your broke ass can't come.

"I can't bring my precious spawn! You're mean!"
There will be drinking at my wedding. I do NOT like kids around alcohol. It bothers me, especially since kids can get hurt around stumbling drunk people. I don't like seeing kids get hurt. I grew up around a lot of drinking- and it's bad. I'm not putting someone else's kid through that. Do it on your own time. Be a good parent and leave the kiddos at home, hm? And with knowing me, there may be some instances to where you DON'T want your kid to see what's going on.

Sure, I'd love to see your kid, but this is a wedding. You know why a lot of people are against bringing their kid to a wedding? It's a distraction. They are loud, they run around and get into things, and they can ruin a special moment with their crying and demands. My wedding is NOT the time. Go find a babysitter, or don't come. There will be cops at my wedding- bring your kid if you want to, you aren't gonna be able to step foot into the venue. It'd be a shame for you to come all that way just to have to turn around...


"Your wedding is going to look horrible."
I wouldn't be talking if I were you, over there looking about as dopey as a kumquat. Every time you go in to get a prostate check, the doc accidentally sticks his fingers in your mouth.


"Der's gon' be nigras and fah-gits at yer weddin'! OHBAMMUUR! DEY GURT OUR JERBS!!!"
Then don't come. Your bigotry won't be missed. Just shut the fuck up, Yankee Doodle.
I bet your living room is decked out in Duck Dynasty gear...you don't like dudes, but you got those dude's faces splattered all over your wall like a 13 year old with his first Playboy poster.




I think I'm done. Rant over.
Oh, and make sure you wipe the bullshit off that butthurt of yours and flush it.